he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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