So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
