Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
