I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize