Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
