I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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