trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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