I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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