Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize