I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
