Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
