it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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