How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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