I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
