I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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