everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
