you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
