Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
