I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
