I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
