I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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