Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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