I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
