I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
