you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
