We won't sleep together?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think your dad took our porno
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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