my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
