trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
