I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i will never coherently bang her
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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