Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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