Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
