all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
