like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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