my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
