If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize