1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
