now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we made out on top of his cat.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
