i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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