you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
