You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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