listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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