Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
They are going to name an STD after you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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