i think my mom watched the whole time
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
