My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
