just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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