I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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