Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
They have beer where we have blood.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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