So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
