as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
