Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
