he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
