i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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