I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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