I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
