mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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