drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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