if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My hand turned me down
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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