hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
