I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize