so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
